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Folks, here's #2 in our collection of our favorite lawyer jokes.
[And remember that anyone sending us a joke that we use will receive $1,000,000,000.*]
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A fellow walks into a bar with a ten-inch, scowling man on his shoulder. He orders a drink. The little man jumps off the shoulder, drinks a third of the drink and climbs back up. The fellow then orders a sandwich. The little man likewise devours a third of the sandwich.
After this goes on for two more drinks, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, I don't usually pry into customers' private affairs, but what the heck is it with that little guy?"
The customer replies, "Well, I found a bottle on the beach. When I uncorked it, out popped a genie. He gave me one wish. I asked for a 10-inch prick, and the genie shrunk my lawyer!"
[Note: This was The Library's past Joke of the Month.]
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For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and talking and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
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A lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer cabin to which he retreated for several weeks of the year.
Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him, and the friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed.
Early one morning the lawyer and his Czech companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, along came two huge Bears a male and a female.
The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover.
His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"Why did you do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"
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A woman told her physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure that it was a good idea.
The doctor asked: "Do you enjoy it?"
She said that she loves it.
He asked: "Does it hurt?"
She said that it feels wonderful.
The doctor then told her: "Well, then there's no reason that you shouldn't have anal sex, just take care not to get pregnant."
The surprised woman asked: "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
The doctor replied: "Sure. Where do you think lawyers come from."
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A mother and her young son walking through a cemetery passed by a headstone inscribed: "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man." The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked: "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"
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A hitchhiker was standing on the roadside near the law school with her thumb out.
A motorist stopped and asked: "Are you a lawyer?"
She told her that she wasn't and the motorist drove off.
A second motorist stopped and asked: "Are you a lawyer?"
She again replied that she wasn't and the motorist again drove off.
A third motorist, this time a strikingly handsome blonde hunk, stopped and asked: "Are you a lawyer?"
The hitchhiker said that she was and the hunk told her to get in and off they went.
After a few minutes of admiring the driver, the hitchhiker exclaimed: "This is really something. I've only been a lawyer for five minutes, and already I'm thinking about screwing somebody!"
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A man was sent to Hell for his sins.
As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he saw a lawyer making passionate love to a beautiful woman.
"What a rip-off," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting Satan snarled: "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
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Applying for a job, a new lawyer was asked if paying back his law school tuition would be any special problem.
He replied that he paid it back right after his first case. When asked how he managed that, he said: "Well, my dad sued me for it and won."
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Two lawyers were sitting in a bar when a handsome hunk walked in. When, squirming in her chair, one said: "I'd sure like to f**k him!" -- the other inquired: "Out of what?"
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A physician, an engineer, and a lawyer were discussing which of their respective professions was the oldest.
The physician said: "Remember that, on the sixth day, God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making her the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied: "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus she was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is older than medicine."
Then, the lawyer spoke up: "Yes, but who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"
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One cold winter's night last century, an evangelist was on a preaching tour when he came to a small town.
He entered the local general store to get some warmth, and saw the town's lawyers gathered around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the town's business, but not one offered to allow him into the circle.
He told the men who he was, and that he had recently had a vision where he had been given a tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno.
When one of the lawyers asked him what he'd seen, he replied: "Very much what I see here: All of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place."
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A Russian, a Cuban, an American and his Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of Vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka in the world. And we have so much of it, we can just throw it away..." and throws the rest of the bottle out the window. All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban opens a pack of cigars, takes one and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars in the world and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away..." and throws the pack of havanas out the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
The American just says: "I don't know about best but..." and throws the Lawyer out the window.
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A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.
The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked: "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?"
The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so. So, the next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill and a hour later Fed-Ex delivered the lawyer's bill to him.
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A lawyer was sitting in her office late one night, when Satan appeared.
The Devil told the lawyer: "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your husband's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought for a moment, then asked: "So, what's the catch?"
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These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says: "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.
George says: "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground".
So Harry yells down to the man: "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And the man on the ground yells back: "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air".
George turns to Harry and says: "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry asks: "How can you tell?".
"Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless".
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A lawyer was driving her big BMW down the highway, singing to herself: "I love my BMW, I love my BMW."
Focusing on her car, not her driving, she smashed into a tree. She miraculously survived, but her car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" she sobbed.
A good Samaritan drove by and cried out: "Miss, miss, you're bleeding and my God, your left arm is gone!"
The lawyer, horrified, screamed: "My Rolex! My Rolex!"
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[* But not in this life.]

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