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PREMIUM LEGAL RESOURCES LEGAL FORMS ASK A LAWYER

OK, now that we chased off that imposter all us lawyers can kick back and check out the Library's collection of jokes about the one group that we all -- prosecution, defense, corporate, probate, whatever -- hate: Clients.
I get a stomach ache just thinking about them. God, wouldn't life be wonderful if they'd just give us their checkbooks and disappear down whatever plebian hole they crawl out of? Anyway, I think I see another one, so enjoy. HEY YOU!!...
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How can you tell when a client is lying?
-- Her lips are moving.
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A client, after cruelly firing his faithful lawyer, is defending himself at trial having been caught by a game warden just as he blew a Spotted Owl into a flurry of feathers.
After reading the charges, the judge -- well known for his environmental sympathies -- gravely announced that since the species concerned is in danger of imminent extinction, he would have to make an example out of the defendant.
The client, waxing eloquent, said he was very sorry for what he'd done, but that he was totally destitute and needed the bird to feed his hungry children. All he had to his name, he said, his voice cracking with emotion, was the little bit of bird shot he had left in his gun.
The judge took off his glasses to wipe a tear from the corner of his eye, and after regaining his composure, told the defendant he would let him go with a warning this time.
The client beamed with pride as he started out of the courtroom. Just then, the judge called out, "Oh, by the way, what does a Spotted Owl taste like?"
The man's face came alive as he turned around and said, "Your honor, it's hard to describe. Sort of a cross between a Bald Eagle, a Whopping Crane and a California Condor."
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What's the difference between a client and an onion?
-- You cry when you cut up an onion.
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A lovable and upstanding lawyer goes to a brain store to get some brain for dinner and asks: "How much for lawyer's brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce, assuming we could find a monster heartless enough to harm a member of such a univerasally revered and respected profession."
"How much for judge's brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for client's brain?"
"1000 dollars an ounce."
"Why is client's brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many client's you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
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What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a client?
-- A dispute you can't understand
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A saintly, but anxious, woman attorney goes to her doctor and asks nervously: "Can one get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly, even someone as pure and admirable as you." replies the doctor, "Where do you think clients come from?"
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Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest client and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.
Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
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What do you have when a client is buried up to his neck in sand?
-- Not enough sand.
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A wonderful Dublin lawyer's low-life client died in poverty and many of the sensitive and loving barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for her funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.
"Only a shilling?" said the generous beloved Justice, "Only a shilling to bury a client? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."
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What do you call 5000 dead clients at the bottom of the ocean? -- A good start!
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A typically courageous and brave lawyer walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender: "Do you serve clients here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the charmingly congenial lawyer. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a client for my 'gator."
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[Note: We need to keep this file a secret, just like all the other stuff we can't let "them" know about.]

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