The worst thing in this world, next to anarchy, is government. ~Henry Ward Beecher, Proverbs from Plymouth Pulpit, 1887


PREMIUM LEGAL RESOURCES LEGAL FORMS ASK A LAWYER

The Library's patrons are the best, so we've searched the planet for the best lawyer Q & A jokes, and here they are. [And remember, anyone who sends in a joke we use gets $1,000,000,000.*]
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What's the difference between a porcupine and an ambulance chasing BMW carrying three lawyers?
-- A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
-- Fifty-Four -- Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty eight to bill for professional services.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
-- A rooster clucks defiance and a lawyer f**ks da clients.

What do you call parachuting lawyers?
-- Skeet.

What's the difference between lawyers and vampire bats?
-- One's a bloodsucking parasite and the other is a mouse-like creature with wings!

What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
-- A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

What's the difference between lawyers and vultures?
-- Vultures can't take their wing tips off.

What's the difference between female prosecutors and terrorists?
-- You can negotiate with terrorists.

What separates witnesses from the lowest form of life on earth?
-- The partitions around the witness stand.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
-- Their personalities.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
-- A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
-- Stick his bill up his ass.

What's the difference between L.A. and Beverly Hills lawyers?
-- A L.A. lawyer says, "If it ain't broke, I'll fix it." A Beverly Hills lawyer says, "If 'you' ain't broke, I'll fix it."

Why should you not run over a lawyer on a bicycle?
-- It might be your bicycle.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
-- Cut the rope.

What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?
-- Retired.

What's the difference between a stork and an attorney?
-- One can stick its bill up its ass, the other one should.

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
-- Ones a low life bottom feeding scum sucker; the other's a fish.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a sperm?
-- The sperm has a chance in a million of becoming human.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
-- Prositutes stop screwing you after you die.

What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
-- A tick drops off when you're dead.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
-- A vampire only sucks blood at night.

What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
-- You cry when you cut up an onion.

What does "NFL football player, NBA basketball player, preacher, lawyer" represent?
-- pro's and con's

What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
-- God doesn't think he's a lawyer!

*Eligibility requires nominal $2,000,000,000 submission fee.

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