By Dennis McGee ([email protected])
Driving home from work one steamy, August afternoon, I passed a
dead raccoon in the gutter--no doubt the victim of an oncoming
vehicle not unlike my own. Over the next few days I observed that
my trash-can-flipping friend's stomach had almost tripled in size
from the sweltering heat--it was beginning to look like a red Voit
While the exact chemical reaction is beyond the scope of this
article, I do know that the gas accumulating inside of my furry
friend's intestines was at least partially hydrogen. If you know
just one thing about hydrogen, know that it is extremely
combustible when exposed to an open flame or spark. Hindenburg
combustible, got it?
Combine the potential for igniting an explosion with my desire to
kill time, and we've got ourselves a way to turn small, dead
animals into weapons that can be smuggled past any airport metal
Before you start, here are a few questions you should ask yourself
before building your varmint bomb:
How large of an explosion do I need? Oh, fuck that -- How large of
an explosion do I WANT?
The obvious rule of thumb is the bigger the animal, the bigger
the explosion. Since you're entering uncharted territory, we
recommend that you start small. Try a fresh rat or squirrel and,
once you've gotten the technique perfected, move onto raccoons and
(if you are lucky enough to find one intact) a dog or deer.
Where do I find a dead animal?
A drive on any major highway should provide plentiful bounty.
Look for recently developed areas, where new housing projects force
Bambi and her cohorts onto the roads in seek of new homes.
How do I choose the right animal?
Any dead animal will work just fine. And don't be squeamish
about using Fluffy, the neighbor's dead cat--just don't let them
catch you. Keep in mind that the test subject should be an
endotherm because, all kidding aside, I don't think you're going to
get a fuse into a frog's asshole.
What supplies will I need?
1. Dead, bloated animal
2. Flat head screwdriver
3. Lighter or matches
4. Safety glasses (optional, really, but don't they lend
legitimacy to the most dangerous advice?)
5. Silicon caulk and caulking gun
6. A cannon fuse
Items 2 through 5 can be found at your local hardware store. The
cannon fuse, on the other hand, is a restricted material and must
be found elsewhere.
Now that you have acquired all of the essential items, you are
ready to take one step back on the karmic ladder of life. For those
of you without some sort of destructive instinct, I've put together
an easy step-by-step guide to walk you through the fun of backyard
5. Fill the animal's mouth with silicon caulk. This will keep any
gas from escaping when you insert the screwdriver and the fuse into
its asshole. You see, when rigor mortis sets in, the animal
stiffens, its sphincter clenches tight, and (with luck) the jaw
clamps shut. But you can't be certain that the mouth is airtight,
so you need to seal this orifice, just in case.
4. Position animal Ass Up, if wasn't kind enough to die that way.
3. Prepare your materials.
Place the fuse on the screwdriver as shown in Illustration #1
below (sorry, e-readers). This will give you leverage when you
insert the fuse into the animal's rectal cavity.
With a generous portion of silicon caulk, butter the buns of
Smokey's little friend. Also apply some to your screwdriver and the
fuse. The silicon seal will prevent any gas from leaking out of
Note: The length of the fuse is up to you; I have no idea how
long it will take for you to dive behind the picnic table.
Note #2: When considering the amount of time you will need to
run away from the ignited varmint, please account for any alcohol
in your system that will inevitably cause you to stumble during
2. Insert the fuse.
Grasp the animal. Remain calm. Concentrate. Take a deep breath
(if you can stomach the stench).
Position the tip of the screwdriver on that puckered pink spot
and GENTLY push. It might fight you at first, but with patience and
a few kind words, it should comply.(Sound familiar? Good. Be just
as gentle.) When you feel the tip enter, ease it down about an inch
and a half until you reach the colon. (BE CAREFUL: You are not
driving in a friggin' tent spike! You are inserting a screwdriver,
so be careful not to puncture anything!)
If you made it this far and haven't heard any flat tire noises,
ducks being stepped on, or a gentle "poof," you're almost there.
When you withdraw the screwdriver, do not wiggle it, pull it to
the side, or let it shake. Just pull straight back and the
sphincter will close right up behind you, sealed tight with the
caulking you applied earlier. If you have followed all these steps
correctly, you are now ready to be the life of the party. Friendly
advice: Don't wear your Sunday best, ok? Think "disposable."
1. Find a place to take cover. Invite the gang over for some
sandwiches. Find a video camera. Turn on the video camera. Ignite.
If all went well, your little furry friend's intestines will
have just expanded at a dangerous rate, all due to a simple
chemical reaction given to us by God Himself. You won't see this
kind of fun on Mr. Wizard, kids.
If you just hurt yourself, be warned: No one will accept any
responsibility for your bad judgment. Please destroy your copy of
this article before you kill yourself and/or your little sister
trying to make a dead animal go Boom Boom.
Brought to you by - The 'Lectric Law Library
The Net's Finest Legal Resource For Legal Pros & Laypeople Alike.