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By Dennis McGee (DennisMcGM@aol.com)
Driving home from work one steamy, August afternoon, I passed a dead raccoon in the gutter--no doubt the victim of an oncoming vehicle not unlike my own. Over the next few days I observed that my trash-can-flipping friend's stomach had almost tripled in size from the sweltering heat--it was beginning to look like a red Voit kickball.
While the exact chemical reaction is beyond the scope of this article, I do know that the gas accumulating inside of my furry friend's intestines was at least partially hydrogen. If you know just one thing about hydrogen, know that it is extremely combustible when exposed to an open flame or spark. Hindenburg combustible, got it?
Combine the potential for igniting an explosion with my desire to kill time, and we've got ourselves a way to turn small, dead animals into weapons that can be smuggled past any airport metal detector.
Before you start, here are a few questions you should ask yourself before building your varmint bomb:
How large of an explosion do I need? Oh, fuck that -- How large of an explosion do I WANT?
The obvious rule of thumb is the bigger the animal, the bigger the explosion. Since you're entering uncharted territory, we recommend that you start small. Try a fresh rat or squirrel and, once you've gotten the technique perfected, move onto raccoons and (if you are lucky enough to find one intact) a dog or deer.
Where do I find a dead animal?
A drive on any major highway should provide plentiful bounty. Look for recently developed areas, where new housing projects force Bambi and her cohorts onto the roads in seek of new homes.
How do I choose the right animal?
Any dead animal will work just fine. And don't be squeamish about using Fluffy, the neighbor's dead cat--just don't let them catch you. Keep in mind that the test subject should be an endotherm because, all kidding aside, I don't think you're going to get a fuse into a frog's asshole.
What supplies will I need?
1. Dead, bloated animal
2. Flat head screwdriver
3. Lighter or matches
4. Safety glasses (optional, really, but don't they lend legitimacy to the most dangerous advice?)
5. Silicon caulk and caulking gun
6. A cannon fuse
Items 2 through 5 can be found at your local hardware store. The cannon fuse, on the other hand, is a restricted material and must be found elsewhere. Now that you have acquired all of the essential items, you are ready to take one step back on the karmic ladder of life. For those of you without some sort of destructive instinct, I've put together an easy step-by-step guide to walk you through the fun of backyard pyrotechnics.
5. Fill the animal's mouth with silicon caulk. This will keep any gas from escaping when you insert the screwdriver and the fuse into its asshole. You see, when rigor mortis sets in, the animal stiffens, its sphincter clenches tight, and (with luck) the jaw clamps shut. But you can't be certain that the mouth is airtight, so you need to seal this orifice, just in case.
4. Position animal Ass Up, if wasn't kind enough to die that way.
3. Prepare your materials.
Place the fuse on the screwdriver as shown in Illustration #1 below (sorry, e-readers). This will give you leverage when you insert the fuse into the animal's rectal cavity. With a generous portion of silicon caulk, butter the buns of Smokey's little friend. Also apply some to your screwdriver and the fuse. The silicon seal will prevent any gas from leaking out of Rocky's ass.
Note: The length of the fuse is up to you; I have no idea how long it will take for you to dive behind the picnic table. Note #2: When considering the amount of time you will need to run away from the ignited varmint, please account for any alcohol in your system that will inevitably cause you to stumble during your escape.
2. Insert the fuse.
Grasp the animal. Remain calm. Concentrate. Take a deep breath (if you can stomach the stench).
Position the tip of the screwdriver on that puckered pink spot and GENTLY push. It might fight you at first, but with patience and a few kind words, it should comply.(Sound familiar? Good. Be just as gentle.) When you feel the tip enter, ease it down about an inch and a half until you reach the colon. (BE CAREFUL: You are not driving in a friggin' tent spike! You are inserting a screwdriver, so be careful not to puncture anything!)
If you made it this far and haven't heard any flat tire noises, ducks being stepped on, or a gentle "poof," you're almost there. When you withdraw the screwdriver, do not wiggle it, pull it to the side, or let it shake. Just pull straight back and the sphincter will close right up behind you, sealed tight with the caulking you applied earlier. If you have followed all these steps correctly, you are now ready to be the life of the party. Friendly advice: Don't wear your Sunday best, ok? Think "disposable."
1. Find a place to take cover. Invite the gang over for some sandwiches. Find a video camera. Turn on the video camera. Ignite. If all went well, your little furry friend's intestines will have just expanded at a dangerous rate, all due to a simple chemical reaction given to us by God Himself. You won't see this kind of fun on Mr. Wizard, kids.
If you just hurt yourself, be warned: No one will accept any responsibility for your bad judgment. Please destroy your copy of this article before you kill yourself and/or your little sister trying to make a dead animal go Boom Boom.
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