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Here are a few lawyer jokes for your amusement and gratification.
One day the phone rang in the law office of Dewey, Cheatham and Howe. "Dewey, Cheatham & Howe, may I help you?" The caller asked, "I want to speak with Mr. Dewey." "We regret to inform you sir that Mr. Dewey died just yesterday." "Oh, is that right? Good-bye." Every day for the next two weeks the same man called back, and the same exchange occurred. Finally, the receptionist said, "Sir, I told you that Mr. Dewey died. Why do you keep calling?" The man replied, "I just like to hear it."
What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One's a bottom dwelling scum sucker and the other's a fish.
A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch. A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he's had enough. The bartender said, "I've got to ask you what's with the pocket business?" The man replied, "I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I've had enough."
Why don't snakes bite attorneys? Professional courtesy.
Life is filled with hard decisions. For example...you are driving home from work, and as you cross the bridge, you see an IRS Auditor and a Lawyer in a terrible traffic accident. Both cars are ablaze, and you would only have time to rescue one of them. What do you do... go home and watch Cosby, or the Simpsons?
Why does New York have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps? New Jersey got first choice.
A man went to a lawyer for a defense after he had been caught embezzling millions from his employer. He was concerned about going to jail, but was told by the attorney, 'Don't worry--you'll never go to jail with all that money.' The lawyer was right. When the man went to prison, he didn't have a dime.
What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 60?? "Your Honor."
Do you know how to save a thousand drowning lawyers? No. Good!
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer were at a party. The Russian was walking around with this BIG bottle of Vodka. He took one small sip of it and threw it out the window. Everybody asked, "Why did you do that?" and he said, "Oh, but we have more than enough Vodka in Russia!" Later, the Cuban was walking around with this HUGE cigar. He took one puff and threw it out the window. Everybody asked, "Why did you do that?" and he replied, "Oh, but we have more than enough cigars in Cuba!" Even later the American was walking around with the lawyer. He said one word to him and threw him out the window.
Why do male lawyers usually wear tight shirt collars and ties? It keeps their foreskins from creeping up and covering their faces.
A woman wrote to Dear Abby: "I have a dilemma. I am about to get married, but I haven't been totally honest with my fiance. My mother is a well-known madam, my father is a convict, and my brother is a lawyer. My sister sells heroin to the children at the school down the street. She started doing that after my father got sent to prison for molesting her. I also have a problem I'm wanted in three states for embezzlement. Taking all that into consideration, this is my question, how do I tell my fiance that my brother is a lawyer?"
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? See if his lips are moving.
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he saw a lawyer making passionate love to a beautiful woman. "What a rip-off," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting Satan snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many can you afford?
What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school? An offer you can't understand.
A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client, who had attended the trial, was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was in favor of the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading "Justice has triumphed!" The client wired back, "Appeal at once!"
What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school? A fucking know-it-all.
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill. On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"
What do you call 400 lawyers at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean? A great start.
A man asked a lawyer his fee, and was told it was $50.00 for three questions. "Isn't that awfully steep?" he asked. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff. The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors. Bad News: There were three empty seats.
What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.
A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses." One of the locals spoke up on hearing this and said, "Mister, watch what you say. You're in horse country."
What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman pinscher.
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