John Doe V. Satan, Class Action Complaint

In California Superior Court Death Valley, California John Doe, ) Case No. _____ Plaintiff ) v. ) Judge: _____ Satan, ) a.k.a. Lucifer, ) Beezelbub, and ) The Evil One, ) COMPLAINT Defendant ) Now comes the Plaintiff, John Doe, on behalf of the class of people referred to as the human race [hereinafter humans], praying for relief from false advertising and intentional tortious acts of defendant and his operatives, . 1. Plaintiff states that Defendant knowingly, willfully, and maliciously disguised himself as a serpent on approximately February sixth, 4003 B.C., and encountered one Eve, for whom no last name is known. 2. Plaintiff furhters states that Defendant promised Eve and her male companion, Adam, that if they performed a certain illegal act, they would become gods. 3. Plaintiff further states that Defendant knew the statement in paragraph 2 to be false, that they would not become gods, yet induced them to commit the act of eating one apple from the so-called Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, an act illegal in the municipality of Eden, where they resided (Godslaws sec. 1, p. 232). 4. Plaintiff further states that the commission of the illegal act caused a congenital defect that forced Eve, Adam, and all their descendants, save for one Jesus Christ, to desire to commit, and to commit, wanton tortious acts of cruelty, violence, and degradation, many of which have been supported by Defendant. 5. Plaintiff further states that such acts mentioned in paragraph 4 violated any and all laws that have ever been in place, as well as some that havent, and caused grievous injury to others. 6. Plaintiff further states that Defendant and his operatives continue to this day to mastermind such illegal, malicious, and tortious acts, or fraudulently induce others to commit them. 7. Plaintiff further states that said Jesus was forced to suffer a horrible and excruciating death to pay for the acts mention in paragraphs 4 and 6, to allow all who followed Him to regain that glory upon their deaths. WHEREFORE, Plaintiff prays that the Court grant relief from the injury to Eve, Adam, and descendants, in the form of $10,000 for each descendant, totalling approximately 80 trillion dollars. Plaintiff further prays that the Court grant Plaintiff relief from all harassment, destruction, and mischief that Defendant has committed, in the amount of one trillion dollars in monetary damages, along with punitive damages of 666 gazillion dollars for pain and suffering, for injuries incurred as a result of Defendants actions. Plaintiff further prays that the Court issue an injunction barring Defendant, or Defendants operatives, from having any contact or involvement with Plaintiff class. This includes any attempt that a member of Plaintiff class may unwittingly attempt to make with Defendant through any spiritual mechanism. _________________ Signature of Attorney APPLICATION OF PLAINTIFF FOR CLASS STANDING Plaintiff prays that the Court certify the class of Humans as a proper class under Civil Rule 23(B)(3), the class to include any and all people, living or dead, with the exception of the aforementioned Jesus Christ, for the following reasons: Commonality: All members of said class can claim, at one time or another, to have made mistakes because of Defendants overt or covert acts. Said class can also claim to be adversely affected by a defect, caused by Defendant, which prevents them from being able to resist said overt or covert acts of Defendant; Numerosity: The number of prospective plaintiffs is too large for separate trials to be a workable solution; Typicality: Plaintiffs complaint - that Defendant has, through mind tricks, convinced Plaintiff to lie, cheat, and committ other acts which are harmful and tortious and are violations of the laws of Heaven. (Godslaws, Comm. I-XI) - is typical of all other Plaintiffs, save for Jesus. In addition, Plaintiff lacks the thing which allowed him to resist Defendants wiles, meaning that even since the aforementioned Jesus replaced it with His death on the cross mentioned in paragraph 7, Plaintiff will still be unable to resist Defendants actions, unless the Court grants the appropriate remedies; Representativeness: Plaintiff promises to represent the class of humans in this court action. ----- [contributed by Doug Fowler DOUGFOWLER@delphi.com] ----- Brought to you by - The 'Lectric Law Library The Net's Finest Legal Resource For Legal Pros & Laypeople Alike. http://www.lectlaw.com