Actual unretouched recent photo of the 'Lectric Law Library's
Head Librarian Ralf R. Rinkle, Esq.
Hi! It's me again. Ralf.
You know. This place's Head Librarian? Ralf? World famous lawyer? Advisor to Kings, Presidents and Psychotic Despots the world over? Ralf Rinkle, Esq? The one in charge of everything? You remember NOW?
Anyhow... I took a break from my nearly finished task of ending the suffering of all sentient beings just so I could personally let you know that, due to extremely complicated technical problems, the file about the only country that has absolutely NO taxes, laws, fees, rules or regulations[*] to hamper either people or businesses -- THE ISLES OF LANGERHANS, isn't yet available.
[*] Even hearing, thinking or knowing of such things are Class AAA+ Langerhansian felonies that, for a first offense, require a minimum sentence of: a. Summary Public Execution; b. Disembowelment; c. Decapitation, and/or; d. Death. And you can just imagine what a repeat offender's going to get!
Problems? What problems? Oh, you want to know about the 'complicated technical problems'?
OK, it's awfully complicated and technical, but I'll try to explain...
It's... ummmmm It's the electricity. Yep, the electricity! It's really complicated but ummmmmm ahhhhhh... You know about sunspecks, right? I mean sundots... sunspots... That's it, sunspots! ummmmmm Well, you know that global warming crap everyone's freaking out about? Well, it made those damn sunspots screw up all the circuits in the transducers and transistorlators and created a looped-back that fried all the digital analogs like rats dancing on a hot pin's roof. And to add salt to the injury, then all the gravity started to... ummmmmm It started to... The gravity began to...
OK, OK. The truth is that my lunatic brother and law partner, Randy, locked the file inside this closet and hid our only key... heaven knows where.
Hey! I asked him nicely. I tried to reason with him. I threatened to make him move in with Jesse Helms and Maddy Albright. I even called in a favor the White House owed me - Remember that little contribution thing from those women Buddhist Popes? - so Bill & Albert sent Hillary over along with that big, scary Reno girl to try to "convince" him. (Hell, just the thought of those two prancing around in black leather, cackling and waving their whips and paddles everywhere would make Tricky Dick - or any other deservedly dead politician for that matter - spill the beans in a Nude York second.)
But no matter what, all he'd say was: "Wow, man! The Colors! The Colors! Look at all the colors!" over, and over, and over... plus some weird crapola about the walls breathing... and paisley sea monkeys doing the Polka on 'em.
Who knows? Maybe I shouldn't have started out making him smoke about a pound of that truth-serum LSD junk that somehow snuck into my briefcase the last time I was wandering around the CIA's basement. Well anyway, it seems we'll have to wait till he regains what passes for his consciousness before we can get the file online; If we figure out where he disappeared to while I was momentarily distracted for a few hours when Hill & Jan handcuffed me to the bed, tore half my clothes off, and...
Anyhow, if you see him please call the Strategic Air Command & Clarence Thomas immediately .
Actual unretouched recent photo of
Randolph R. Rinkle, Esq.
Holy Moly! Oh, Poop!! Ouch!! Owwweeee!!!!
What's that?... Don't be ridiculous! Listen you numbskull... My hand isn't stuck in this damn keyhole! Any imbecilic geek can see I'm just checking to see if my damn brother stashed the key in there. I only screamed because my tonsils or hemorrhoids are acting up because of this damn weird weather.
So scram!! This is very delicate work. Go and do something useful instead of standing there grinning at me like some damn schmuck! Beat it! Hit the back button on your browser & get the hell out of here and back to work before I sue your butt from here to Timbuktu. I'll rip your gullets out and shove them down your ears!! I'll slap you with every writ of Homo-erectus ever known to man!! I'll make you sorry you were ever...
Hey! Friend! Wait a second! You're obviously a highly intelligent, good looking and considerate soul & someone I'd like to model myself after. So, on the way out can you do me a big favor and call my cretin poker partner, Eddie Hoover, over at the FBI? Just tell him that if he doesn't want to see those photos of him "playing" - if you get my draft ... heh, heh, heh - with Ellie Roosevelt and Joey Stalin on next week's cover of "Look" he better get off his damn fat butt and send over a bunch of FBI ambulances... plus a few dozen of his best agents... and pronto! They better bring some of those "Teeth of Life" whatchadealies too... just in case some demented moron wanders in here and gets his hand stuck in this damn....
Important Message from the Library's Staff
Dear Beloved Library Patron,
Our alleged Head Librarian may have gotten a bit carried away due to the constant pressure of his many philanthropic endeavors. The reality is that, while it's technically correct that the Isles of Langerhans have "no taxes, laws, fees, rules or regulations for both people and businesses," members of the ruling Rinkle Dynasty are its only "people" The thousands of other Langerhanserians are the Rinkle's unpaid slaves, and under the provisions of "The Regal Rinkle Rights, Rules and Regulations Act of 1247 AD" ("RRRR&R"), are therefore not legally "people" and are banned from having any possessions or conducting any business.... Well, you probably get the idea.
Anyhow, we sincerely apologize for any inconvenience or complete destruction of your life this may have caused, and will attempt to convince Ralf to correct this unintentional oversight soon. (If he ever leaves the room he -- and Hillary & Janet -- are locked in.)
Thanks for your patience.
The Library Staff
p.s. You should also be aware it's possible the above photos may not be "actual", "recent" and/or "unretouched".