From the 'Lectric Law Library's Stacks
* MESSAGE TO YOUTH ABOUT POT *
From the Desk of Ralf r Rinkle, Esq.
My slaves, I mean staff, has prevailed upon me to take a minute from my busy workday to impart to the potheaded youth of the world a bit of my considerable collective wisdom I've collected over my years as the world's pre [and post] eminent expert on drugs, so that they can grow up to be just like me - except not as famous, good looking, beloved or smart. Here it is:
Dear Drug-Addled, Sicko, Lowlife, Commie, Prevert, Drug-loving Youth -- the very thought of which sends shivers up and down my spleens -- For Whom I Feel Much Compassion and Love,
If you'll take that marijiuana cigarette filled hypodemic needle out of your artery, push your vermin infested long hair out of your bloodshot eyes and stop your disgusting free-loving for just a minute perhaps the following might sink into what few brain cells you have left and you might be able to get a job as a dirt taster or politician and become at least a minor benefit to your fellow humans instead of the paralytic leech you no doubt now are.
Real Americans like me pour straight 250 proof grain alcohol directly into our brains - but only alcoholic nectar from American grain grown on hygienic giant agri-corporation farms. None of that damn Ruskie potato piss or Mexadian cactus crapulence made from worms that can only pollute our precious bodily fluids.
However, since it's illegal for someone your age to do that, I suggest you make some fake ID and start off slowly with 8 or 10 six-packs of beer. . . and work your way up. While beer's for loose-wristed wimps and not the greatest thing in the world, it sure beats that damn "Satins Weed" you love so much. . . for more reasons than the humanoid brain can remember. The most important and proven ones include:
1. Beer makes your mouth wet while marijuiana does the opposite. . . not only promoting cavities, but making it hard to spit on foreign speaking aliens and other un-American low-life type scum.
2. That pot crap is alleged to make you contract the "munchgries" and want to eat lots of high calorie brownies and other things like that -- unlike beer that turns you into a fat slob all by itself.
3. Who'd you rather be like: a) Homer Simpson -- a beer drinker, or; b) Newt Gingrich and Al Gore -- both admitted [former? Ha!!] pot addicts? Thank goodness our fine former President stopped just in time (probably because he was too busy being preverted with some young intern in the Ovaltine Office) and our fine current President was too drunk to remember the illegal drugs he was addicted to.
4. You ever hear of a "marijuiana room brawl"? Of course not. So let me tell you, you haven't experienced joy until you've sunk your knuckles into your friend's or neighbor's face. . . or sneaked up from behind and smashed a chair over her damn head. . . and, with beer -- unlike that damn pot poison -- it doesn't even hurt till later. Take it from me you slime-bag pinko, ain't nothing makes you prouder of being an American than beating the living crapola out of others. . . especially if they're too drunk, little or weak to fight back. Screw that piece and love preverted bushwah!
5. Driving full of beer is a lot of fun and when you hit something like a small child or old person [which beer facilitates a lot more than pot does] you'll enjoy it a lot more.
6. If all your skink-rat's dead-hipy-music-heros like Terry Garcia, Janet Jopkins, Jamie Hendrickson, that dead Beagle guy Lenin with the ugly Samoan wife [who shot himself with pot in New York], Nick Jagger and Marie Osmond drank lots of beer instead of overdosing to death on pot they wouldn't be as dead. . . though this might not be such a good thing since they probably still wouldn't recognize good, wholesome music if it jumped up and bit them on the butt.
7. Beer drinkers name their kids nice, melodic things like 'Bubba,' 'Junior,' 'Mabel' and 'Hazel' instead of pukey, hard-to-remember, commie names like 'Moonbeam,' 'Birddropping' and 'Sewagepond'. And they give their kids the love that kids need -- unlike most potheads who wouldn't whomp the crap out of the little bastards with a nice, heavy, studded belt even when they do something like act like a sissy, ask a stupid question or make noise while a football game's on TV.
8. Believe it or not dude, you don't need to be a pot addicted LSD smoker to be hep and cool and psychogroovidelic. Just look at me. . . I was practically a world famous beatnik in 1953. . . except -- thanks to my idiot brother who can't read a subway map if it's glued to his eyeballs -- we got off in Harlem, and by the time we got out of the hospital and down to Bleeker St. the damn coffeehouse was closed. . . at least all the people holding the doors shut said it was.
9. Unlike Beererys, your average pot factory doesn't pay its fair share of taxes. How the hell do you expect our government to afford to do things like have regularly scheduled wars or tell us how to live and think without lots of money? Of course you Stalinist commie totalitarians would rather have complete anarchy, or even no government at all, wouldn't you?
10. Lastly, something you damn tree-hugging nature lovers seemed to overlook: Beer is often at least 50% organic and natural, but who knows what poisons and potions from Hades those marijauana manufacturers use, especially since the scum don't use those helpful government mandated ingredient labels which proves it's probably mostly plutonium their commie buddies scooped up from Chernobyl and never even washed the atomic germs off of. And while beer comes in ecologically sound, sterilized containers made of abundant, natural aluminum covered with festive designs, I've been told that marijuaina cigarettes are packaged in petroleum based plastic bags. . . probably certainly made from Sadam Husain's personal oil wells. Furthermore, I know for a fact that I think most marijuania is manufactured in his and Castro's germ factories.
Anyhow, there are lots of other good reasons. . . like that beer's alcohol is good for you, helping to build strong bodies and minds in a multitude of ways -- and the more the better -- but you're probably too possessed by your mental sickness for your brain to absorb them now. However, in case your eyeballs are still working, here's conclusive proof that has to convince even a creepazoid, homo wastrel like you:
Picture of the Beagles when they drank beer [even if it was that limey junk that tastes like warm urinations from a Red Chinese opium den].
Picture taken 20+ years after they used pot.
It's as plain as the toes on your face -- what more proof do you need?
In any case, I will pray for you and ask my pals like the Pope and the Daily Llama to do the same. Not that it'll do any good since one of God's main rules he sold to Moses when he was out burning bushes - and it's in the Constitution too -- is: Use illegal commie drugs and you'll rot in hell for eternity or longer. . . no ifs, ands or buts. Sorry.
Now, get the hell out of here and leave me alone!
DARE to be Ralf
Note: Despite Ralf's slight hyperbole, the Library discourages all drug abuse, whether by youth or oldth, and especially discourages inappropriate use of the most destructive drug: Alcohol. -- the Library staff