Can You Answer This Computer Question?
Why Do I Have This Problem?
A 'Lectric Law Library FAQ
We are computer illiterates who believe that computers and the internet work by means of magic. (Whether white or black, we're not sure.) The extent of our technical knowledge consists of knowing where the thingie you push to start the computer is - but only on our own computer.
Therefore, if you have a computer related question please contact us. The more complicated, the better. We charge $200 an hour - paid in advance - for computer assistance.
By the way, we just got a great computer deal - a genuine top-of-the line IBM - for only $600. We'll soon be real computer experts - what with configuring it and all - but we can't quite figure out where the modem goes. When we put it in the only space big enough for it, it blocks the keys. So if you know about IBM computers your advice would be welcome. It's their 'Selectric' model.
Note: We're embarrassed to admit that we finally realized the above computer was obsolete, so we took it back and exchanged it (along with another $500) for a state-of-the-art IBM that works much better... though now the modem keeps getting smashed by that damn silver ball thingie. And we cut the living crap out of our hands when we installed Windows. . . . And we won't forget it Gates, you bastard!
When we get any message concerning a technical problem with the Library we immediately notify the head of our Technical Dept., the universally known and highly respected Dr.Ralf R Rinkle, PhD, the inventor of the computer, the binary system, the dewey decimal system and the numbers 17, 23 and 102... and after intensive research he always reports back with the following memo:
From: RR, PhD
To: The Boss
Re: Another supposed idiotic problem
Note: Do not expect to understand this memo due to the highly technical nature of the subject.
Me and my staff exhaustively analyzed the situation and concluded:
1. It has something to do with the year 2000 and 2001, A Spaced Oddity, problems;
2. It was caused by a staffer's screw-up and I've personally tortured, killed, eliminated and then fired said staffer;
3. The problem never existed and has been fully corrected.
Now leave me the hell alone...
So instead of sending us annoying messages, understand it is you who is wrong. Therefore, we strongly advise you to adjust your conception of the time-space continuum.
And if you persist, here's what's you can expect to receive from our head legal counsel, the universally known and highly respected, Ralf R Rinkle Esq, PC, Inc, etc., alleged author of most important Supreme Court decisions, famed defense atty and prosecutor who never lost or found a case, and legal advisor to Kings, Queens, Presidents, Despotic Dictators and Village Idiots the world over.
Dear Offensive Miscreant,
My careful analysis of the factual and legal situation has made me puke and also led me to the following facto-legalmatical conclusions:
1. Your message is both defamatory, slanderatory, insultatory and actionable under multiple international national, federal, state, county, city and hamlet standards and theories sounding at tort, negligence, common law, admirality law, uncommon law, law of the jungle, common sense, and newtonian laws of physics;
2. I can win a case against you with both eyes tied behind my back. Said win will result in my moron clients owning everything you, your family and your friends have, have had, will have, and ever thought, or will think, about having.
Therefore, hereby given the aforementioned, above-stated, hitherto-enumerated facts and uncontrovertable conclusions of law heretofore mentioned, discussed, promulgated and stated above, the only conceivable conclusion that any sane person can conceivably concur in concluding is:
To prevent such said and described actions and partially compensate my imbecilic clients for the irreversable mental and physical suffering that your negligent, and probably criminal, callousness has caused you must:
a) Immediately send $1,000,000,000 in small, unmarked bills, addressed to me personally and marked "unimportant junk mail -- not $1,000,000,000," and;
b. Never tell anyone about "a)" - especially my pea-brained clients.
Upon your doing so, against my better judgement, and solely as a matter of professional courtesy I will tell my idiot clients of your payment and strongly advise them to consider this matter settled.
Have a nice day.