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Genuine unretouched photograph of Ralf Nader, Esq. congratulating his brother, our Head Librarian, Ralf r Rinkle, Esq., for winning the ABA's Honest & Ethical Lying Award.


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GUEST EDITORIAL
Zippergate, Impeachment, Resignation & Our President

by Ralf r Rinkle, Esq.

My Fellow Earthlings,

As you undoubtedly know, I'm the world's leading expert on the allegedly scandalous events currently embroiling the American Presidency as well as our fine, beloved President - and very close personal friend and admirer of mine - Willie the Weasel.

Well, I've been reading and watching news thingies and I'm getting damn upset at the cacophonous gaggle of so-called nazi, commie, liberal, right-wing media pundits, prognosticators and alleged commentators -- probably instigated by that damn Cronkeit and his Edgar R Morrow and Fred Sullivan buddies -- all calling for our beloved and fine President's impeachment and/or resignation for allegedly "lying under oats."

IN DEFENSE OF OUR PRESIDENT

What the hell are these nattering nabobs of negativism now neighing about anyhow?

While many of us might find such behavior a tad unusual, let us not forget that oats is an uniquely American-as-crabapple-pie grain originally invented by our first dead President, George Washington Washington -- and his dead twin brother, George Washington Carver -- to help free the slaves, and has long been monopolized by piece-loving Quakers like Tricky Dicky Nixon [that low-life worm].

I even tried sleeping under some oats and found it a bit strange, but very patriotical.

So I ask all those cretinous clowns, cads and creeps trying to tarnish our finely beloved President's sterling reputation:   Since when is lying under oats an unimpeachable, or resignationable, offense?

What's wrong you scalliwops?   No answer, right?   Heh, heh, heh.   So why don't we just agree to disagree, admit you have your heads up your respective butts, and put the entire matter to a rest home where it belongs?

Besides, behind all the hubbub, hacking and highfalutin hollering is certainly possibly definitely the devious deeds of that Monica Lupinsky broad:   An alleged woman whom my intensive investigation has failed to turn up a shred of proof isn't the illegitimate daughter of both Hitler and Stalin, nor not the identical-twin of that spoiled, bratty, anorexical, fairy princess Dye bitch -- the very one who tried to kill those nice reporters by crashing her krautmobile into a funnel in Europe or somewhere so she could fornicate some un-american rug-head on the Leaning Tower of Eiffel.   (Geez, just the thought of that makes me want to vomit in my boots.)

NOT IN DEFENSE OF OUR PRESIDENT

However, as the world's leading expert and authority on ethnics in government, I've unearthed and discovered that our President is guilty of something much more seriouser than cavorting with grain as the following facts clearly show, indicate and prove beyond a shadow of a reasonable doubt.

The true facts are that our otherwise fine and beloved Presidential worshipper of mine has, whether due to a momentary lapse of discretion or a momentary long-term plan, hired many of his close personal relatives and family and put them on the government payroll, all the while paying them with tax dollars and change looted from the hardworking American taxpayers.   This behavior constitutes the serious high crime and misnomer of neptunism!!

Some of the facts supporting this serious and true allegation include that, as aforementioned and abovestated, and without even putting it out to competitive bidding, he hired:

  1.   His close personal wife, Mrs. Weasel, to be our nation's First Lady;
  2.   His close personal daughter to be our nation's First Daughter;
  3.   His close personal pets to be our nation's First Pets.

Furthermore, he lets all of them live, eat and even use the toilets in our nation's Light House absolutely free of charge -- except for the First Daughter who is now living and studying with Stanford and Son.

Hell, he even hired his smarter, older, close personal twin brother, Newt Weasel, to be the speaker at some house representation on a hill in the Capital -- again at governmental taxpayer expense.

This aforementioned and abovestated criminal conduct is reprehensable and therefore I call for -- indeed I demand -- the President's immediate resignation and installationification of that cute Flipper Gore as our new President.

RrR, Esq.

p.s. While our names may appear vaguely similar to illiterates and people who can't read, I am completely unrelated to the world's leading law expert and 'Lectric Law Library Head Librarian, Ralf R. Rinkle, Esq.   In fact, I swear on a stick of bible-thumpers that I never even knew he existed until I wrote and read that last sentence.


Note: This file is solely presented for historical purposes. We are indeed fortunate that under the leadership of our fine current President any executive branch scandal has been vanquished to the dustbins of secrecy. - The Library Staff


Genuine unretouched photograph of President Cheney slipping a "gratuity" to our Head Librarian, Ralf r Rinkle, Esq., for his ethics advice on rigging the Florida election, hiding improper Enron bribes and...

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