Guest Editorial on S*xual Harassment
By Bella Abzug, Gloria Steinem, Jill Ireland and Jane Fonda
Hi Folks, I'm Ralf R Rinkle, as you know the Library's Head Librarian, Legal Counsel, Name Partner (along with my idiot brother Randolph) in Rinkle and Rinkle PC, and, as this genuine unretouched photograph shows, the winner of the United Nation's Worldwide Commission for the Elimination Of S*xual Harassment Worldwide (TUNWCFTEOSHW) 1998 Anti-S*xual Harassment Person Of The Year Prize (TUNWCFTEOSHWASHPOTYP).
Unfortunately, Bella, Gloria, Jill and Jane were called away on urgent business and asked me to write this guest editorial knowing that they could trust me to fairly represent, promote, promulgate and express their position.
A Blight On Our Society
As any sensitive human, man or woman, male or female, xx or xy chromosomed, penilely or vaginally endowed or disadvantaged, must realize, s*xual harassment is degrading to both its victim and perpetrator, a blight on our society and an infringement of every person's right to freedom, equality and to reach their full potential, free of discrimination, bias or prejudice. And it's against the law.
Lately, the issue has been raised to the forefront of our consciousness by the tawdry spectacle of s*x related allegations involving our President unfolding daily before our eyes. And while, if the allegations are proven true, appropriate punishment must follow, never forget that the presumption of innocence is a vital and essential element of our judicial system as well as a fundamental principle of truth, justice and the American way. Therefore, we must all to keep an open mind until all the facts are in, even regarding someone as definitely guilty and unable to keep his weenie in its bun as our President.
Crimes, Lies & Punishment
But we should also realize that the talk of impeachment arises from his alleged obvious lies, not from him attempting to do the horizontal belly-bump with anyone wearing a skirt - except, I hope, Scotchmen. And while I respect, honor and admire our low-life, draft-dodger burning, creepazoid President, if he indeed lied then we have no choice but to throw the bastard out. How can we meekly accept the preversion of all that is good and just or call ourselves Americans if we close our eyes to a President, or any elected official for that matter, saying anything untrue?
Holy Moly!! The idea of a politician telling a lie sends shivers up and down the spleen of every true American. We've never allowed it before, and if the adulation and high regard we have for our politicians is to be preserve, once the bastard's proven guilty we should not only impeach him but hang him from the Capital's flagpole by his harassing middle-leg as a reminder that if we allow one politician to lie, pretty soon others may be tempted to do the same. If we're to remain The Land Of The Free and The Home Of The Brave, Cubs, and Mets we must so act, if not for ourselves, then for our children and grandchildren. If not now, when? If not what, how?
Defending American Values
I sincerely thank the endless stream of intelligent, patriotic, right-wing American cretins parading through the talk shows for their unanimous support of my zero-tolerance lie position, but I must say that it's really starting to burn my butt when these self-proclaimed defenders of family and American values put down our fine President because of a little wayward wee-wee waving. What a bunch of hypnocrits! How the hell can they ignore the fact that, except for screwing-over minorities, there's nothing more American than s*xual harassment? You think that when the Mormons deserted the Mayflower they asked for written permission before raping all the Indians? Or that the slaves gleefully agreed beforehand to being impregnatized by Tommy Jefferson, Abe Lincoln and our other four fathers? Or that Betty Ross made that flag just for the hell of it?
Lets face it, without harassment most of us wouldn't even be born. I mean what woman in her right mind - except for maybe floozies, drug fiends, nymphomatics and liberals - would want to do that yucky, disgusting s*x stuff without being forced to? None that I've ever had s*x with - that's for damn certain! And I sure as hell know my mother wouldn't. Would yours?
God's Position On This Issue
And seeing these bible-bumpers all dumping on the only President we have for so called s*xual harassment when it's God's idea in the first place is revoltilizing! If God didn't want s*xual harassment then why did he make women so s*xy and small and easy to overpower and give them those neat things on their chests? And why'd he give men that thingie that gets hard (or so I'm told) and takes over our brain whenever we're around a woman of the female persuasion? Lets hear you answer those ones Jerry Falwell and Oral Robertson!!!
And while these self-proclaimed defenders of morality bitch and moan against s*x education by the government, how many of them have s*x with their kids so they can teach them the right way to do things? Probably less than half... that admit it at least. Geez!
And now they have the gall to insinuate our President has oral s*x! Listen, I admit that I'm an expert on s*x, and have thought about having some more times than I can count, so I know that regular s*x is how people make babies, and that anal s*x is how lawyers are created, but oral s*x?? Is that how you get rock and roll singers or where baby teeth come from or what? Give me a break! It's absurd and obviously something the damn President haters invented from cool cloth.
Other Important Questions
This whole matter raises lots of other questions too. Like why the hell are there all those damn interns swarming around the White House like cockroaches in a Harlem tenement? With all the taxes we pay they can't afford experienced doctors? Whose pocket's getting lined by this bushwah? Why is there so much illness there in the first place and what exact diseases are apparently running so rampant? And why don't you hear a word about this from the media? I wouldn't be surprised if that damn Cronkeit bastard's behind the whole damn thing.
And what about all the harassment women do to men? Shoot, half the time I innocently pinch some dolly's cute butt she'll attack me like a s*x-crazied maniac. And it's even worse when I unintentionally reach down some stacked broad's...
HEY! STOP IT! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? LET ME GO OR I'LL SUE YOUR DAMN BUTTS FROM HERE TO TAZMANIA AND BACK AGAIN!! I"M A FAMOUS LAWYER AND I SAID TO LEAVE ME ALONE. YOU BUNCH OF DAMN MORONS. YOU WORK FOR ME. I'M THE DAMN BOSS HERE AND IF YOU DON'T TAKE YOUR DAMN HANDS OFF ME THIS DAMN SECOND I'LL SLAP YOU WITH A DAMN WRIT OF HOMO ERECTUS SO FAST THAT...
Message From The Staff
Ummmmmm... Our beloved Head Librarian got a little carried away above, undoubtedly due to the pressure of his many philanthropic endeavors and heavy pro bono caseload. We sincerely apologize to you, as well as to Ms. Abzug, Steinem, Ireland & Fonda, and promise that we will correct this unfortunate incident as soon as humanly possible.
Thank you for your patience.
--- The Library Staff ---
p.s. You should also be aware that we are investigating the possibility that the genuine unretouched photograph above may not be genuine or unretouched.