We've both admitted committing felonies when, in our long ago youth, we smoked marijuana (aka "pot"); one of us while somehow avoiding service in Vietnam [hint: the patriotic, family-value espousing one who divorced a dying wife], and the other while avoiding any possible danger in Vietnam [hint: the compassionate, liberal one married to the chubby cute chick with the really dumb name].
Fortunately, we didn't get busted or we wouldn't be writing to you today.
However, thanks to our illegal and immoral drug use, our respective dreams of becoming a professional kazooist and a Henny Youngman impersonator vanished in a puff of Satan's smoke.
Instead, entirely because of those "stupid-sticks", we became the hypocritical, pandering, glad-handing, unprincipled, ass-kissing toadies we are today.
It ruined our lives, and if we catch you using pot, we intend to make sure it ruins yours too.
Anyhow, we have half a case of Napoleon Brandy we need to polish off before the next gaggle of fat-walleted lobbyists arrive, so just remember: Drugs are Bad. Besides, that's all the time you're worth (unless you should choose to make a few, small, under-the-table, cash campaign contributions).
Our Utmost Respect and Admiration,
Newt and Al
Note: This file from 1997 is solely presented to remind us of our past, present & future leaders' hypocrisy towards drugs. We are indeed fortunate that times have changed and such hypocrisy has been vanquished to the dustbins of history under the leadership of our current President, a man with enough guts, brains and integrity to never publicly comment on his prior extensive involvement with multiple illegal substances. - The Library Staff