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My slaves prevailed upon me to take a minute from my busy work to deal with your message. However, the reason for your obvious discomforture is unclear to even someone as smart and learned as I am, so I prepared 2 replys, one or both of which I hope will undiscomfort you:

REPLY #1. If, as I assume, you're like me - except not as famous, beloved or smart:

Dear Fellow True-Blue American Citizen,

Damn right! I totally agree with you for at least 2 reasons:

1. Beer is for loose-wristed wimps. Real Americans like you & me pour straight 250 proof grain alcohol directly into our brains. But only alcoholic nectar from American grain grown on hygenic giant agri-corporation farms... none of that Ruskie potatoe garbage or Mexadian cactus crapola made from worms.

2. It's obvious the company that wrote the article is part of some evil "dopester" [that's the secret name marijuania addicts call themselves] dis-information conspiracy. And the proof is as plain as the toes on their face... Setting aside the fact that it tastes exactly like urinations from a Red Chinese opium den, just look at what their main product is called. Maybe there is such a thing as a coincidence... but "Bud"?? Come on. What kind of morons do they think we are? They'll have to wake up pretty early in the evening to pull a wolf into our eyes.

Your Fellow True American,

Ralf R Rinkle, Esq., etc.


REPLY #2. If you're a lowlife, commie, prevert, drug lover - the very thought of which sends shivers up and down my spleen:

Dear Drug Addled Sicko,

If you'll take that marijiuana cigarette filled hypodemic needle out of your artery, push your vermin infested long hair out of your bloodshot eyes and stop your disqusting free-loving for just a minute perhaps the following might sink into what few brain cells you have left and you might be able to get a job as a dirt taster or politician and become at least a minor benefit to your fellow Americans instead of the paralitic leech you no doubt now are.

While beer might not be the greatest thing in the world, it sure beats that "satins weed" you love so much... for the reasons the article you rant about explained, plus many more. Just a few include:

1. Beer makes your mouth wet while they say marijuiana does the opposite... not only promoting cavities, but making it hard to spit on foreign speaking aliens and other un-American low lifes.

2. That pot crap is alleged to make you contract the "munchgries" and want to eat lots of high calorie brownies and other things like that - unlike beer that turns you into a fat slob all by itself.

3. Who'd you rather be like? a) Homer Simpson - a beer drinker. b) Newt Gingrich and Al Gore - both admitted [former? Ha!!] pot addicts. [Thank god our president stopped just in time - though I'm sure it's because he was too busy being preverted with some intern.]

4. You ever hear of a "marijuiana room brawl"? Of course not. And let me tell you, you haven't experienced joy until you've sunk your knuckles into your friend's or neighbor's face... or sneaked up from behind and smashed a chair over her head... and, with beer - unlike that pot poison - it doesn't even hurt till later. Take it from me you slimebag pinko, ain't nothing makes you prouder of being an American than beating the shit out of people... especially if they can't fight back.

5. Driving full of beer is a lot of fun and when you hit something like a kid or old person [which it facilitates a lot more than pot does] you like it a lot more.

6. If all you skink-rat's dead-hipy-music-heros like Terry Garcia, Janet Jopkins, Jamie Hendrickson, that dead Beagle guy Lenin [who shot himself in New York], Nick Jagger and Marie Osmond drank lots of beer instead of overdosing to death on pot they wouldn't be as dead... though this might not be such a good thing since they probably still wouldn't recognize good music if it jumped up and bit them on the butt.

7. Beer drinkers name their kids nice things like Bubba, Junior, Mabel and Hazel instead of pukey, hard to remember, commie names like moonbeam, sunbird and sewagepond. And they give their kids the love they need - unlike you potheads who wouldn't whomp the living crap out your little monsters with a nice heavy belt even if they did something like act like a sissy, ask you a stupid question or make noise while you're watching a football game.

8. Believe it or not dude, you don't need to be a pot addicted LSD smoker to be hep and cool and psychogroovidelic. Just look at me... I was practically a world famous beatnik in 1953... except, thanks to my idiot brother who can't read a subway map if it's glued to his eyeballs, we got off in Harlem, and by the time we got out of the hospital and down to Bleeker St. the damn coffeehouse was closed. . . at least all the people holding the door shut said it was.

9. Unlike Beererys, your average pot factory doesn't pay its fair share of taxes. How the hell do you expect our government to afford to do things like have wars or tell us how to live and think without lots of money? Of course you stalinist commie totalitarians would rather have anarchy, wouldn't you?

10. Lastly, something you damn treehugging nature lovers seemed to overlook: Beer is at least 50% organic and natural, but who knows what poisons and potions from Hades those marijauana manufacturers use, especially since the scum don't use those helpful government mandated ingredient labels which proves it's probably mostly plutonium their commie buddies scooped up from chernoble and never even washed the atomic germs off of. And while beer comes in ecologically sound, sterilized containers made of abundant, natural aluminum covered with festive designs, I've been told that marijuaina cigarettes are packaged in petroleum based plastic bags... probably certainly made from Sadam Husain's personal oil wells. Furthermore, I know for a fact that I think most marijuania is manufactured in his and Castro's germ factories.

Anyhow, there are lots of other good reasons... like that beer's alcohol is good for you, helping to build strong bodies and minds in many different ways, and the more the better, but you're probably too possessed by your mental sickness to absorb them now.

In any case, I will pray for you and ask my pals like the Pope to do the same. Not that it'll do any good since one of God's main rules he sold to Moses while burning bushes - and the last time I looked it's in the Constitution too - is: Use illegal commie drugs and you'll rot in hell for eternity or longer... no ifs, ands or buts. Sorry.

DARE to be Ralf