Hi. Its me, Ralf, again... From the tour? You know, this place's Head Librarian? Its Legal Scholar in Residence? The Boss? The one in charge of everything? Ralf R Rinkle, Esq.? Remember now???
I'm afraid we have a little problem. Seems my brother's article you're looking for is so popular that we've plum run out of copies. We thought 16,000,000 would be enough but... Anyhow, you'll just have to wait while we print up another batch.
Oh, wait a minute! I do have this last copy that Mother Teresa begged me to save for her. She even promised to trade me a bunch more orphans for it. Blond ones that can speak English this time.
Hmmmmm... Tell you what. I may be able to let you have it if... Well, say I found a few million smackeroonies slipped under the gate at my estate. Hmmmmmm... Yeah. I might take that as a heavenly sign that I should let you have it instead. [wink, wink]
Besides, I doubt if Mommy T can even read English. You ever actually listen to her? She sounds like a female Dracula on acid. Hell, Scalia's opinions are easier to understand... And all that praying crap... Jeez, just the thought of it sends chills running up and down my spleen.
But I have to admit she sure is one hell of a handsome broad. At least she would be if she'd slap on some makeup and get rid of that damn penguin suit she's always wearing. Maybe slip on a spandex mini-skirt, some long, black patent leather high-heeled boots, one of those tight leather halter-tops with those little cut-outs right over her... Oh, sorry. I get a little carried away thinking about her sometimes. Anyhow...
Hmmmmm.... I know! I'll just give her a copy of last month's 'Hustler.' Since that 5th grade class' tour was called off I'm stuck with a bunch I couldn't sell. Shoot, she's so old she's probably blind as a drunken cat. Yeah.... She'll never know the difference. Hell, she remembers when the Dead Sea wasn't even sick. Geez, she's a week older than God. She had wrinkles when she watched the big bang.
So, I'll just head home in a few minutes and... Oh yeah! Before you go... You have any friends who'd be interested in a copy of the article? If you do, tell them to bring all their money, or a younger sister, and come by here tomorrow between 7 and...
Message from the Staff
Dear Respected Library Patron,
We beg your forgiveness as it appears that our universally beloved Head Librarian may have gotten a little carried away above. In fact, the article you seek seems to be the result of another of Ralf's little 'misunderstandings' combining with his brother's drug-induced hallucinations and total illiteracy -- apparently neither it, or the events it purports to report on, exist.
We sincerely apologize and assure you that we will correct this unintentional and embarrassing oversight as soon as humanly possible. (If Ralf stops harrassing us long enough to be able to do anything.)
Thank you for your generous patience and forbearance.
--- The Library Staff ---
p.s. You should also be aware that there is a possibility that the photograph above may not be Genuine or unretouched.