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Ralf's Pro Lounge 'Help' (continued)




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So, very slowly and calmly now -- if they smell fear you're a goner for sure -- act like you just realized you forgot something in the hall, slowly turn around, and run the hell out of here as fast as you can.   And if you make it, be sure to warn your friends.

Oh!   It's you, Willy.   I mean Mr Chief Justice.

No, no.   I was just kidding.   Ha, ha, ha.   No, really.   You're the mangiest person I've seen in weeks.   I mean... Give me a break.   I was kidding I tell you.

Oh, come on Mr Chief Highness.   You look about as sane as Tricky Dick did that night we put that LSD stuff in his Scotch and Henry called him on the red phone pretending to be some nutty Ruskie screaming that the missiles were on the way.   Too bad the bastard was never the same afterwards -- thanks to that dumb schmuck who thought that 'microgram' and 'teaspoon' were the same thing.   Oops.   I forgot you were the... Ummmm

Oh!   Did you ever get the pictures my brother Randy took after you snuck him and those Albanian acrobats into your building's girl's shower room?   The ones of you-know-who? wink, wink

Of course!   I should have realized that's why she surprised everyone by joining you on that 5-4 split that decided -- once-and-for-all I hope -- that due process only applies to us old, rich, white guys.   And yeah, I agree that those little Jewish ones can really surprise a guy.   After all, you know what they say about New York Jewish girls.

You don't?   Ummmmm... Ahhhh... Sorry, Mr Chief Supremacist.   It just skipped my mind.   Which reminds me.   Can you tell our pal Clarence I'll call him tomorrow?

By the way, you don't know if he...   Oh, Never mind. I'm sure he's a wonderful tap-dancer, and that he'll be great at my tax write-off's... Uh -- I mean 'charity's' -- annual Victim of Political Correctness Award dinner. I picked Gigi Liddy this year.

And get this.   Instead of an acceptance speech he's gonna bite the head off a live sewer rat he named Hillary.   That guy's one damn funny citizen -- and with an real American's sense of humor -- not some Jerry Lewis kinda frog crapola.

But nothing can beat last year when you puked all over Phillis Schlafly... just when her hand got stuck inside your fly.   Boy, did you two ever turn a million shades of red.   And her babbling that she was just trying to protect you from a tiny liberal spy climbing up your leg -- then totally losing it, ripping off her clothes and jumping on poor Rush like that.

I don't think anyone had any idea that the butterball could punch like that.   Damn!   Her teeth were flying like shrapnel on D-Day.

Oh man!   Everyone's been laughing at you behind your back ever...   Ummmmmmm.

Oh, Poop!   Will You Look At The Time!   I'm really sorry, but I just remembered that I promised Boris I'd rewrite the whole Russian Civil Code today and get it to him before he's too plastered to find the ground, much less read anything -- and he probably just woke up, so that gives me about 10 minutes.   Well, I have to run.